Stuff Gets Tough-

DISCLAIMER: The following is not a satire or a criticism on actual divorce. It is just what it is, my own personal little rant about a video game.

So, I think it was four days ago that it happened. I was just walking home from a quest when I saw her, Lolita the Whore, walking down that cobblestone street out of Bowerstone Market.

Obviously I tried to stop her, but she just kept on walking, not even stopping for a moment to glance in my direction. A few steps behind her trod our daughter, Rachel, who barely reached my waist and who couldn't have been more than six years old.

They were leaving me.

I tried to stand in her way, gave her jewels and necklaces (which she accepted), but to no avail. She thanked me for the presents, but then called back for her daughter, our daughter, to follow her. They were nearing closer and closer to the gate.

As I frantically tried to grab her attention, force her back to our home, all of the times we spent together flashed before my eyes.

I had met her in Bloodstone, on the waterfront, and, as her name suggests, she was a prostitute. She was smitten by my charm, and I brought her back to Bowerstone and married her; I set our marital home up in the market square, next to the book store.

Ever so slowly I replaced the homely, spartan pieces of furniture we had lying around for those fit for royalty. Our house was small, yet lovely- much like she was.

Fragments of her old life would crop up, every so often. One night while we made love she whispered in my ear, "I've never felt such respect for someone who's done that to me before." But that was an old life, that was all in the past.

After one such night I can remember her telling me she was pregant, and that she would be expecting soon. Some time after I found a crib in the top floor, where a gurgling, energetic bundle of happiness stared up at me.

Rachel took after me in many ways- she was extremely mischevious, for one thing. In spite of her tendencies to disobey and to fight the other children I raised her as well as I could. I gave her toys when I thought she deserved them, and withheld them when she didn't.

I lavished both of them with gifts, items that I had come across during my frequent adventures. They were always waiting for me when I stepped into the square, eager and excited to see me again.

To Lolita I gave diamonds, rubies, necklaces; to Rachel toy guns and teddy bears.

My wife often had gifts for me when I returned, and would always tell me how lucky they were to have me, as a husband, as a father.

They are only a few feet away from the road to Old Bowerstone and I remember the cave.

Hobbes, dirty, ugly creatures, had once captured my dear Rachel. She had run off to go on adventures just as her father did, and they had snatched her up and taken her away. I was on another quest when I heard what had happened, and dropped everything and ran.

I was worried sick, my heart hammering in my chest. What had they done to her? Were they going to turn her into one of them? The Hobbes were swept away by my fury. My rage was fueled by fear for my daughter's life, and they scattered like birds. The bullets from my rifle and the mystic fires from my palms slew all who stood in my way.

I found her kneeling in a cage, unafraid, and happy to see her father. I led her up a mine shaft out to where her mother was waiting for her, tears of worry in her eyes. My wife thanked me profusely, and I told her that everything was going to be alright.

Now they're gone. Walking out on that cobblestone road to somewhere, anywhere, else. I don't understand what I did wrong.

Later I receive a note telling me that the Child Protection Agency has taken my Rachel away due to the death of her mother.

I don't understand why they're gone.

Music Videos: Who?

As some of you Canadians out there know, on MuchMusic there is a show entitled Video On Trial. This program showcases various comedians and their efforts to ridicule music videos. This is not what I will be doing tonight. Tonight I present you with two categories, with two music videos in each. The main purpose is not so much to poke fun at them as it is to remark at their similiarities to one another, enjoy the music, and- well, okay, maybe to mock them just a little.

The first category takes a hint from Clark Kent a.k.a. Superman and believes that the best disguise is a pair of glasses. However, unlike the Caped Crusader the women in these videos are instead trying to hide their good-lookingness behind their frames, and (within the context of their respective videos) succeed.

Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me


Marianas Trench - All to Myself


The next two videos are a refreshing foray into a world where being compatible in the sense of physical attractiveness is really not an issue. In other words, the guys who are present in this video are not your usual immaculate adonises, straining to break out of their too-tight shirts or grinning with their pearly-white, perfectly straight teeth.

Katy Perry - Waking Up In Vegas

EMI and those other (insert expletive here) record companies have decided to not let me embed this video on my blog, so you're just going to have to click here to see it.

Regina Spektor - Fidelity


Hope you guys enjoyed this, and maybe there will be more at some point.

Lyrics 002

Hm, this time the format is sort of however I want it. They can be summarized in saying that in spite of whether or not the lyrics are ridiculous or commendable, they are always held in eager anticipation once the songs first notes are heard.

Stronger - Kanye West

"Let's get lost tonight,
You can be my black Kate Moss tonight."

I almost don't want to say anything about that- it pretty much explains itself. But at least with these words we become aware of what kind of woman Kanye really wants: a short, waifish African American.

Dead and Gone - T.I. ft. Justin Timberlake

"No more stress, now I'm straight, now I get it now I take
Time to think, before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday, the heart of me is strong today
No regrets, I'm blessed to say the old me dead and gone away."

Okay, so apparently TI can't write a song without featuring someone else- but still. I don't listen to a great deal of rap, but I enjoy pretty much this entire song always.

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Theme - Rockapella

"Steal their Seoul in South Korea, make Antarctica cry Uncle,
From the Red Sea to Greenland they'll be singing the blues,
Well they never Arkansas her steal the Mekong from the jungle,"

And,

"Well she'll ransack Pakistan and run a scam in Scandinavia,
Then she'll stick 'em up Down Under and go pick-pocket Perth,
She put the Miss in misdemeanor when she stole the beans from Lima,"

These lyrics strike me with awe with each and every listen.

BOTS: Beastly

Beastly is, unsurprisingly, a modern retelling of that well-known fairy tale, Beauty and the Beast. It was written by Alex Flinn, who I assumed was a man due to certain aspects of her writing. Namely there being a lack of detail that I would typically attribute to the writing of a guy.

Carrying on, it was a fairly decent book overall. Although one problem I had was in hearing about a film based off of the novel currently being in production, and hearing about the casting that they did for it. To be more specific, the image of Vanessa Anne Hudgens as Lindy, who is a pale redhead in the book. It's excessively difficult to continue to imagine the characters in your head when images of celebrities keep creeping into your consciousness.

All that aside, I would say it was a decent read, at best. There were no surprising twists, really, and the climax seemed rushed and hastily thrown together. Contrary to what is written in the Author's Note, I did think that in many ways the story was sugar-coated, and in many ways reads exactly as a Hollywood-produced script would.

Would I recommend this book? I guess I would say to read it if you're into fairy tale adaptations and the like, though I can think of others that accomplish their goal in much more unique ways.

Lyrics 001

This is the part of the show where I show you lyrics from songs I have heard. Today's lineup will feature lyrics from two songs I find ridiculous, and lyrics from one song which I think are all right.

The ridiculous ones:

If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears

"Ha ha, he he, ha ha ho"

Britney sings these words just prior to the chorus, because they complete the rhyme begun with the words, "Can somebody take me home?" I listen to this song for the sole reason of hearing her sing these words.

Boom Boom Pow - The Black Eyed Peas

"Beats so big I'm steppin' on leprechauns"

Will.i.am throws out this verbal atrocity in the middle of a so-so song. I can't for the life of me wrap my head around it. I am sure your beats are large, sir, but why are you stepping on small Irish elves?

The all right one:

Live Your Life - T.I. ft. Rihanna

"Your values is in disarray,
Prioritizing horribly
Unhappy with the riches
'Cause you piss-poor morally"

Working at a club on weekends, I hear this song every now and then. It's just one of those tunes where I wait until I heard the words that I know and appreciate. How often is it where you actually get to hear the word "moral" [in any form] in a rap song?

If you disagree with anything I have written then tell me. This is the internet.

BOTS: The Ultimate Frankenstein

Apologies for anyone reading this who thought that this would be about a movie, or a video game, or robots, or any combination of the three. BOTS stands for "Books of the Summer," a little something I'm going to write whenever I finish a book, and to let the internet realize that some reading will go on while I am not in school.

The Ultimate Frankenstein is a compilation of short stories about that legendary movie monster, the creation of one Victor Frankenstein. I remember reading the original on a sunny July 1st, Canada Day, when I was seven or eight. There was a book tent and I ran inside and just got to it. I may or may not have read the entire thing, but I assure you that it was a lot. Anyway, carrying on-

Edited by Byron Preiss, this work is filled with a wide variety of tales, many of them picking up where Mary Shelley left off, and many others barely referencing the original novel. I am sorry to say that many of the authors thought it would be witty to "hide" names throughout their respective texts, a la "Francesca Stein."

My favourites include:

"Near Flesh" by Katherine Dunn, which centred largely around today's advances in technology, and where that will lead us.

"The Creature on the Couch" by Michael Bishop, a fascinating peek into the creature's psyche, and an abrupt conclusion you may or may not expect.

"Chui Chai" by S.P. Somtow- set in Thailand and written by a Thai author, this narrative will make you feel very, very uncomfortable.

Would I recommend this to another? Perhaps. If you are familiar with Mary Shelley's Frankenstein; or, the Modern Prometheus, then yes, I think you should pick it up sometime. Reading it would also do you some good.

Hopefully the next BOTS post will be on Brighton Rock, by Graham Greene.

What I'm Watching

I started a post about hipsters, and then a post about The Bachelorette, but ultimately decided on just letting people know what it is exactly I watch on television, when I do watch it.

Formerly, as of prior summers and so on, I was flipping between four channels, those being:

YTV [www.ytv.com] - a channel that was once mostly cartoons
Teletoon [www.teletoon.com]- a channel for kids and also older kids
Family [www.family.ca] - basically the Disney channel in Canada
MuchMusic [www.muchmusic.ca] - Canadian MTV

These offered a pretty even mix of cartoons and music videos, and a mostly equal ratio that I could deal with. However, upon coming back to Toronto after a year away, I was shocked by a few drastic changes.

-YTV thought it would be really cool if they appealed to an older audience, so they now broadcast shows "for teens" which are not cartoons and not that great.
-Teletoon's cartoons aren't funny or exciting anymore. Those are really the only two categories for comics that there are.
-MuchMusic used to play music videos. What happened? Now most of the blocks are filled with crappy shows and dramas.

Oh Family, what would I do without you? The Summer of '09 has rolled about and I am mostly stuck with reruns of shows that continue to be good, a la The Weekenders, Filmore, and Recess. I have also recently started watching the cooking channel, because I like watching people cook food. The Deadliest Warrior [on Spike TV] was good while it was around, if not a little cheesy.

Oh well, that's what the internet is for- right?